{This post is in response to Heidi’s post, Help! I need The Rules for friendship, so read that one first.}
As an initial matter, I feel it necessary to apologize for taking so damn long to formulate a response to your post about The Rules for friendship. Yes, I do see the irony in that your question concerned unacknowledged requests. In my defense, however, I’d like to point out that in the interim we spent a glorious couple of hours hanging out on my patio, eating wonderful food to the sound of children playing with a hundred Nerf guns. And in case you’re wondering, I actually found myself daydreaming about that fudgy oat thing all day yesterday.
That said, let’s turn to The Rules. I remember the book, but I never read it or, as far as I know, even saw a copy of it. I do have a memory of someone (you?) explaining it to me in a distant past, provoking an automatic gag reflex/anger type of response for the usual reasons: Where are “the Rules” for men? What do you do when the situation you face isn’t covered in “the Rules”? Since when has mindless adherence to someone else’s draconian standard for behavior (which is no doubt grounded in paternalism and harmful stereotype) EVER resulted in a healthy, fulfilling relationship???
But there’s one more question I have, and I think it might apply here: If every relationship is unique – as they must be given that the key ingredients are by definition unique – how can “the Rules” possibly be the same for all of them? I just don’t see how they can. I think we need to examine each on its own terms and then make a decision as to what our tolerances should be for that specific relationship. Those people who have never responded, or whose willingness/ability to set aside time for you has greatly diminished over a period of years are probably the ones from which to withdraw your energy for now (not completely, mind you, because relationships also experience ebbs and flows in distance and closeness over years, and if our 30 years together has taught me anything it is that no break is or should ever be final!). Those friends and acquaintances who have just recently begun dropping off the radar deserve maybe a little higher tolerance – there are just so many reasons someone may seem to be retreating (work schedules, kid schedules, personal trauma, etc.) that it seems rash to write them off. I think personally I tend to err on the side of forgiving, but also on the side of keeping perhaps too distant from everyone to begin with. Unless it is you or a sibling or the parent of one of my kids’ friends, I almost never initiate a social outing.
Now, none of this means I think you should go out and continue to put yourself in situations where you feel ignored, vulnerable, or disappointed. Once you’ve done some internal evaluation, though, I think you’ll be able to see more clearly how to deal with each relationship on its own. You could even communicate to people for whom you allow a bit of a higher tolerance that you’re disappointed that you haven’t been able to get together with them or connect as much as you once did to me when I tried to flake out of something. (Truth be told, it prevented me from backing out and as I recall led to an awesome and adventurous evening!)
If none of that works, you can always tell me who they are and I’ll go beat some sense into them. Or, if it is easier, just round up your kids and come back to my house.
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